Headlines and Deadlines #3

Stop your grinning and drop your linen - Headlines and Deadlines is back from a brief spell out on the sidelines.
Aka out in a field in the middle of nowhere.

A Name Change, Yet No Change
Despite the recent takeover of Jean Claude Van Pugh, which was confirmed by fax by the lovely Debbie McGee last week, the newly named Martin Daniels Appreciation Society continued their magic form by keeping the top spot for what feels like the 1,000th consecutive week!
Not even the threat of another series of The Paul Daniels Magic Show could deter the competitor formerly known as JCVP from the top.
The rest of the Prem Predictor League await with baited breath, hoping that Martin Daniels Appreciation Society's form disappears. Now that would be magic!

Top Of The Table Hots Up
Hot on Martin Daniels tail, which conjures up slightly disturbing images, are a hungry fanatical pack of recently released experiments from the secret Albanian lab of Dr Loon McDave.
Ben Goran Elliotsen continues to impress, holding on to 2nd place despite having no means to alter the scores in any way!
Begrudgingly, Jose had an impressive week.
Not happy with nailing the chorus from The Scorpions "Wind of Change" on karaoke at The Bluebell, impressing the judges at the 23rd Annual Toe Eating and Jazz Festival in Helsinki - where he picked up a Silver Sock Award, Jose went on to score a decent 26 points and shoot up to 3rd in the table.
The Prestigious 4th spot is currently occupied by a man so feared in Leichtenstein, the road to Vaduz was lined with elderberries and the bladders of poached kittens for several weeks in 1997, in an attempt to keep Blade from eating all their squirrels on a Wednesday.
Blade holds onto The Prestigious 4th position by virtue of the alphabet, as he is locked on 100 points with Dale Winton (aka Cuddihy).
This proves to be a fascinating battle of minds ... for at least both minutes.
Dale Winton's form comes as much of a surprise to Prem Predictor land, as of course Dale Winton proudly won the Cuddihy Cup last time out.
There is still time.

CUDDIHYS OF THE WEEK!!
It took weeks for this to happen, but it finally did!
Two competitors failed to send their scores in for the last round of matches, so hence win the dubious honour of Cuddihy Of The Week!
Paul Coleman - just being on holiday is not a good enough reason to escape this award!
Coleman recently taunted Chuck Norris with chants of "Mickey Quinn!" and that is reason enough to make Coleman a Cuddihy!! Grrr!!
Socks Rock - no excuses for Socks Rock who was not holidaying or basket weaving or anything!
Socks Rock recently admitted his desire to win the Cuddihy Cup and is showing the right sort of form to do so!

CUDDIHY OF THE MONTH!!
Yes, Dale Winton aka Cuddihy wins the first Cuddihy of the Month award!
There could be many reasons for this, but most notably because of this sorry, sorry tale:
Cuddihy was off to Didsbury to meet his chums for a post-work flirtini and bikini wax, when disaster struck!
He fell asleep on the bus and awoke in the wilds of Northenden!
2 hours it took Cuddihy to circumnavigate the streets of South Manchester on foot to rendezvous with his chums, just in time for last orders!
After ordering a triple flirtini with a creme de menthe chaser, Cuddihy asked himself a question:
"Why did I just not get the bus going back the other way?"!!!
WHAT A TOTAL UTTER CUDDIHY!!!!

How The Mighty Have Fallon
Despite being a potential challenger for the Prem Predictor title, last season's high flyers The Fallon and Nagle find themselves languishing in mid-table.
With a distinct lack of confidence in their game, it would appear that two of the favourites are to be cast aside as also rans.
This is most disappointing in Nagle's case, as he was confident he would walk it this time out.
Maybe last year's title was a fluke, or is he biding his time a bit like a long distance runner?
An exceedingly weird long distance runner that is admittedly.
Fallon meanwhile, has been distracted by his sudden interest in kettle polishing.
Despite the International Kettle Polishing Association not allowing any competitors from North Manchester into their pro tournaments - due to their fear that the likes of Fallon would joy ride the kettles and set fire to them in some back fields - Fallon has been seen spendin an awful amount of time investing in kettle polishing skills and paraphernalia.
Hey Fallon! Leave those kettles alone!
(c) Pink Floyd

Cuddihy's Prop Up The Bottom
Ooo-errr
This week's Cuddihy's of the Week occupy the bottom 2 positions in the table.
Socks Rock drops from relative mid-table safety to the bottom spot.
10 points further up is Paul Coleman, who must be pining for the dark old days of Serie Ben with his performance so far!
Completing the bottom 3, is Slowe-Bla-Di-Slowe-Bla-Da who's pitiful scoring makes for entertaining viewing!
However, despite being out of the bottom 3 for the first time ever, Smythy is only touching distance from finding himself back in the doo-doo.
Smythy finds himself in 16th position and 3 points from the Laugh Zone.
Sources inside the Smythy camp have claimed that they would take that position now.
Also on 77 points is Paddy Power.
Despite a promising start, he really needs to pull his socks up to avoid being pulled down into the dregs!

The "5-0" Series
Prem Predictor is currently awaiting answers from 2 Prem Predictor competitors.
Hopefully they will get their act together and answer the questions, as the series has come to a standstill.
This is unacceptable as one reader in Quebec has already gnawed off his own left arm in anticipation.
Drastic action may have to be taken.
Enforced Mick Hucknall visits may be implemented.
Repeated viewings of Ben Elton's "We Will Rock You" musical may be enforced.
Sing-a-long sessions with Cliff Richard might be brought in.
Prem Predictor has this power!
Get 'em done!!

This Headlines and Deadlines brought to you by Keith Chegwin's World of Pants and Ross Kemp's World Without Thrush Campaign.
Prem Predictor sponsors.