Updated Table 17/12/09

Here's the Prem Predictor @ Christmas table, peeps!

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	305
2	Blade	302
3	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	295
4	Ben Goran Elliottsen	291
5	Dave Lombardo	283
6	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	283
7	Dale Winton	279
8	Chuck Norris	275
9	Disco Stu	274
10	The Fallon	272
11	Alistair Robinho	269
12	Martin Daniels App. Society	265
13	Shaw For Men	263
14	Smythy	262
15	Paddy Power	259
16	Socks Rock	246
17	Paul Coleman	236
18	Engleflump Humpitonk	211
19	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	160

Updated Table10/12/09

Apologies for the delay, but here is the PP Table:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	281
2	Blade	271
3	Ben Goran Elliottsen	268
4	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	267
5	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	266
6	Dale Winton	261
7	Chuck Norris	254
8	Dave Lombardo	250
9	Disco Stu	249
10	The Fallon	249
11	Martin Daniels App. Society	247
12	Smythy	247
13	Alistair Robinho	240
14	Paddy Power	236
15	Shaw For Men	236
16	Paul Coleman	219
17	Socks Rock	207
18	Engleflump Humpitonk	174
19	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	160

Table Update 30/11/09

Stop your grinning and drop your linen!!

Here's the latest table:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	262
2	Blade	254
3	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	253
4	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	253
5	Ben Goran Elliottsen	247
6	Chuck Norris	240
7	Dale Winton	239
8	The Fallon	237
9	Disco Stu	232
10	Alistair Robinho	228
11	Dave Lombardo	228
12	Martin Daniels App. Society	227
13	Smythy	226
14	Shaw For Men	225
15	Paddy Power	214
16	Paul Coleman	201
17	Socks Rock	189
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	160
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	152

Table Update 10/11/09

Hello gents and Cuddihy, here is the latest table:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	227
2	Ben Goran Elliottsen	221
3	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	219
4	Blade	218
5	Chuck Norris	213
6	Dale Winton	209
7	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	209
8	The Fallon	208
9	Disco Stu	206
10	Dave Lombardo	205
11	Alistair Robinho	204
12	Martin Daniels App. Society	201
13	Smythy	194
14	Shaw For Men	190
15	Paul Coleman	184
16	Paddy Power	177
17	Socks Rock	163
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	160
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	152

Table Update 03/11/09

Hello fine Prem Predictors and Cuddihy.

Here are the latest standings:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	207
2	Jose	204
3	Blade	201
4	Chuck Norris	198
5	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	198
6	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	196
7	The Fallon	194
8	Martin Daniels App. Society	192
9	Alistair Robinho	190
10	Dale Winton	189
11	Disco Stu	187
12	Dave Lombardo	185
13	Shaw For Men	184
14	Smythy	176
15	Paul Coleman	175
16	Paddy Power	161
17	Socks Rock	140
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	138
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	135

Headlines and Deadlines #3

Yes, it has been a while since the last edition of Headlines and Deadlines - possibly the least biased editorial since the first basket was woven in 1724 in Kettering at a tea party hosted by a collection of seafarers, bull hurdlers and carpet wearers - but fear not for it is BACK, BABY!!

SMYTHY HITS SPOOKY FORM
In the lowest scoring round of the season, Smythy defied his many critics by scoring a very creditable 19 points!
After many rubbed eyes, including those of Carol Vorderman and Anton Du Beke, Prem Predictor recounted the scoring but maintains that Smythy did in fact score an amazing 19.
Prime Minister's Question Time was overshadowed by this terrible event.
A full on emergency EU Catastrophic Event Taskforce was prevented when they looked at his league position and laughed a little.
A spokesperson from the Smythy camp has come forward to reassure the general public that this high scoring round was a pure fluke, a freak of nature.
The East Leicestershire Association of Useless Magic and Beagle Fanciers On A Tuesday have denied they claim any form of dark art was at play on the part of Smythy.

TOP OF THE TABLE ZANY MANIA!
Yes, since seemingly the dawn of time Ben Goran Elliottsen has been resplendent in pole position.
Before the dawn of time, Martin Daniels App Society had a brief spell with no-one above.
But this isn't before the dawn of time, or even since the dawn of time.
No! This is now - and now means the rise of the Jose!
Not sure I like the image that particular phrase conveys, but it's too late now!
Yes, for the first time this season Jose has been rewarded for some magnificent form and takes the top spot.
Jose attributes his form to the sonic attack of Reo Speedwagon at their finest and inspirational visits to Bar Rogue's in Coventry and Brighton.
It will now be a massive test for Ben Goran to see if he has what it takes to get back to the top of the tree.
Martin Daniels meanwhile has seen his position drop a bit like his father's TV shows.
Although unlike his father, he has managed to claw his way back into the Coveted 4th Position and could even complete a comeback?
Elsewhere in the upper reaches of the table, Blade has seen his scientific methods move into real championship potential.
As long as he can stay out of cardigans, jail or Lithuania he could have hit a winning formula.
The sort of winning formula not reserved for losers like Cuddihy.
Meanwhile, the crowd favourite and winner of the prestigious Sky Arts 2008 Best Model Boat Made From Wensleydale competition - Chuck Norris - has also had a recent dramatic upturn in form.
Whilst staying incredibly modest Chuck Norris has revealed to Prem Predictor how he sees himself mounting a well deserved assault on the top of the table this season. Plus he also commented "That sucker Cuddihy will eat napalm".
Which is nice as well as true.
Four real life cads and bounders make up the remainder of the top half of the table.
Last season's title battler Fallon, the current Prem Predictor Cup winner Nagle, holder of the Coveted 4th Shield Shakhtar Le Dix FC and last season's ultimate loser and holder of the Cuddihy Cup, Cuddihy - queen of many a low rent cocktail party.

CUDDIHY OF THE MONTH
Well there is only one real contender for Cuddihy Of The Month.
No, not a certain person who was fooled into thinking they were speaking to the CEO on the phone recently, eh, Cuddihy!!! Ha ha ha!!
This certain person had £1,300 burning a big hole in their pocket.
What to do with £1,300?
"Oh, I know, let's bet on a SURE thing. Wigan v Chelsea - away win. It's a cert."
But how much to bet? £20? £50? er, no, not £200?!
"No, let's bet £1,300!!!"
Step forward Shaw For Men!!
That's one fixture you wont forget in a hurry!
If it's any consolation, you also scored no points for that fixture too.
But I guess that isn't any consolation at all ... DOH!!

FAMILIAR FACES CRAP - I MEAN - SCRAP AT THE BOTTOM
Engleflump Humpitonk, with a name that is currently almost as synonymous with losing as Cuddihy, props up the bottom of the table. This has been the case since before the dawn of time. Or was it since the dawn of time ... *GUNSHOT*
Only some sort of clue forming in that cavernous head can save him from the disaster of claiming the lowest of the low trophies - the dreaded, odorous, Cuddihy Cup!
Although he has closed the gap on the others around him, thanks to some hilarious predictions elsewhere.
This is of course a lie, but just trying to make him feel better ... NOT!
The other two basement dwellers - who complete the bottom 3 - are none other than Socks Rock and Slowe-Bla-Di-Slowe-Bla-da whos collective predictions have resulted in Counselling Organisations being formed in Algiers and furious demonstrations on the streets of Basingstoke and Rimini.
One old lady dropped an entire cup of tea on the floor of her living room, in Vilnius, in disgust.
Mel Gibson has threatened to remake Mad Max III The Thunderdome, with himself playing Tina Turner's part if their form does not improve.
Only the other day a small squirrel was shot in the head in protest by Phil Collins.
A piece of paper was picked up, thrown away, kicked about, picked up, thrown away again, kicked around, kicked around some more, picked up, thrown away, kicked ab*GUNSHOT*

This edition of Headlines and Deadlines was sponsored by Callum Davenport's left nipple attached to a herring called Colin and The Mannheim Society of Bucket Portraying Irony Lacking Alto Sopranos.

Table Update 26/10/09

Here is the latest of the greatest table ever to be put together in the name of tables that are to do with the results of football matches and is presented in the form of a classic table which has been *GUNSHOT* uuurrrrggghhhhh...

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	190
2	Ben Goran Elliottsen	189
3	Blade	184
4	Martin Daniels App. Society	183
5	Chuck Norris	182
6	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	180
7	The Fallon	178
8	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	176
9	Dale Winton	174
10	Dave Lombardo	170
11	Shaw For Men	170
12	Alistair Robinho	165
13	Disco Stu	165
14	Paul Coleman	164
15	Smythy	162
16	Paddy Power	152
17	Socks Rock	132
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	126
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	118

Updated Table 21/10/09

Ok folks! Panic over!
Here is the latest table following the weekend's and Monday's matches:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	183
2	Blade	181
3	Chuck Norris	179
4	Jose	179
5	Martin Daniels App. Society	177
6	The Fallon	172
7	Dale Winton	171
8	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	171
9	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	170
10	Shaw For Men	167
11	Dave Lombardo	161
12	Disco Stu	157
13	Paul Coleman	155
14	Alistair Robinho	154
15	Paddy Power	146
16	Smythy	143
17	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	120
18	Socks Rock	118
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	112

Table Update

Panic over, Ben - you can stop sweating now!

Because here is the current table:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	167
2	Jose	161
3	Martin Daniels App. Society	160
4	Blade	159
5	Chuck Norris	155
6	Dale Winton	154
7	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	152
8	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	151
9	Shaw For Men	148
10	The Fallon	145
11	Alistair Robinho	142
12	Disco Stu	142
13	Paul Coleman	136
14	Paddy Power	134
15	Dave Lombardo	132
16	Smythy	117
17	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	103
18	Socks Rock	103
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	90

5 - 0 To Shaw For Men

This time out it is the turn of Shaw For Men to answer the questions that no-one particularly wants.
Here are Shaw For Men's hopes and thoughts on the current campaign:

5-0

1. How do you think you'll fare this time out? Better than last season's scrape and narrow avoidance of the Cuddihy Cup?

I will be reaching for the stars and will at the very least achieve a top 3 finish.

2. Who would you class as your deadliest rival(s) in the competition?

Everyone is the enemy, I have no friends in the world of prem predictor, I take a great pleasure in watching those around me slide down the table as I continue my inevitable march to the top.

3. Who would you most like to see win the Cuddihy Cup this term?

It has to be cuddihy, it is his name on the trophy after all.

4. What/who would you choose as a mascot/symbol to represent you in this season's competition?

The mascot:

5. During the third act of Gail Porter's latest and possibly greatest opera, "Jeremy Kyle's Weekend in Hemel Hempstead on a Tuesday" featuring Russell Watson, Bruce Hornsby and Angus Deayton, two of the deadliest ex-footballing Adrians - messrs Littlejohn and Heath - interrupt the performance by releasing a plague of deadly six-yard box finishing onto the front 4 rows of the crowd.

A mixture of panic and wonder grips the Royal Albert Hall.

Disturbed by this unprovoked display of goalscoring prowess, you unleash 2 former stalward defenders - both called Steve - onto Littlejohn and Heath to prevent any further threat.

Which 2 former defending Steve's do you choose to curb the Littlejohn/Heath axis and what tactics would you give them?
I would choose Mr Bruce and Bould. Tactics would be a all out knee high assault followed by a swift headbutt.

Updated Table 28/09/09

Here is the latest table, following all the weekend fixtures and tonight's:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	155
2	Martin Daniels App. Society	151
3	Jose	150
4	Blade	146
5	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	140
6	Shaw For Men	139
7	Chuck Norris	136
8	Dale Winton	135
9	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	134
10	Disco Stu	133
11	The Fallon	133
12	Dave Lombardo	132
13	Alistair Robinho	123
14	Paul Coleman	122
15	Paddy Power	120
16	Smythy	111
17	Socks Rock	100
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	94
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	90

Jose's Inspiration

In an unscheduled press conference, held in a hut near an abandoned garage in Grimsby, Jose revealed the source of inspiration in what he considers to be a title challenging season:

1. Larz Kristerz "Stuff Party"


















"I often listen to this in bed as it reminds me of the time I was abducted by aliens one Wednesday morning. I also have all their wigs"

2. Steve Warren "Reflection"


















"Just seeing this album cover instantly makes me feel the jazz bassoon grooveness. I watched this guy play on the Avon and Bristol Bingo Circuit 27 nights consecutively in 1992. He is the guy that Kenny G could only dream of being."

3. Virgin Steele "Visions of Eden"


















"Tough predictions demand tough music and none is tougher than the cockspurting guitar twiddle of The Steele. Sure the cover may seem dramatic, but nothing can prepare the uninitiated for the nuclear assault bullseye to the brain that The Steele deliver effortlessly here. When I put this baby on I instantly feel at one with those high and long Bolton passes, those Hull City crosses that almost kill the first 4 rows of the crowd, the cosmically awful Pompey defending, like an eagle that has been cruelly shot through the eye with a potato and forced to watch an entire season of Ugly Betty"

4. Little David Wilkins "King of all the Taverns"


















"Whilst Ray Wilkins was gracing the midfield of Man United, his brother Little David was blazing a trail of musical awesomeness with his sultry combination of falsetto crooning, complex time signature changes and incredible spoon playing. This was his finest hour. I get emotional when this kicks in. This definitely influenced my Sunderland 1 Blackburn 2 prediction. Ok it was wrong, but it was a darn fine effort."

Table Update 21/09/09

Here's the updated table following the weekend matches:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	132
2	Martin Daniels App. Society	131
3	Blade	126
4	Jose	125
5	Dale Winton	117
6	Shaw For Men	116
7	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	113
8	The Fallon	112
9	Chuck Norris	111
10	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	111
11	Disco Stu	110
12	Dave Lombardo	106
13	Alistair Robinho	105
14	Paddy Power	97
15	Paul Coleman	96
16	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	94
17	Smythy	94
18	Engleflump Humpitonk	90
19	Socks Rock	85

5 - 0 to Blade

In the latest installment of the stunning 5-0 series, Blade steps forward and shoots from the hip.
Misses, stumbles about a bit then misses the last train home.
Warning: Contains unrestrained use of the word Cuddihy.

5-0

1. This being your first Prem Predictor campaign, how do you think you'll do?

Well, I'm pretty pleased with going from joint bottom to 4th within one week (scoring 30+ points which must be a record, surely) and then keeping a similar position.. I hope, like City, to finish in the top four - but, unlike City, I will.

2. Who would you class as your deadliest rival(s) in the competition?

Connolly is obviously up there as we go way back. I remember when he was just a young badger (in fact I remember him looking exactly like a badger - he'll know what I mean). With you, Chuck Norris, being what can only be described as "a cunt", I think you're up there too. But then again everyone in this is a twat. Get off your arses instead of wasting your time pissing around with this shit. Study. Come up with a cure for cancer you fucking cunts! (Whingy-voice) "Sorry - I can't come up with a cure for cancer 'cos I'm spending all my time predicting football scores for Andy's Premiership Predictor". YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!!

Anyway - Connolly and Chuck Norris.

3. Who would you most like to see win the Cuddihy Cup this term?

Cuddihy has to win it, surely. You can't out-Cuddihy the Cuddmeister. I mean, I've never met the guy, but I'm sure he's a proper Cuddihy in the worst possible sense. For anyone else to out Cuddidy Cuddihy would suely be to Anti-Cuddhilaistic. The universe would implode. It's therefore Cuddihy's duty to maintain his Cuddihyness.

4. What/who would you choose as a mascot/symbol to represent you in this season's competition?

A picture (screen print - white on black) of Charles Manson a-snuffalin'-a-down on the still-warm twitching undeveloped pussy of the unborn daughter of Sharon Tate that "The Family" had just cut out of her womb before they killed her.

5. Picture this potentially common scenario:

• The price of genetically modified pasty components has rocketed within the military eletronics sector - this has caused a trade deficit with the Democratic Republic of Congo for many minutes
• You are in the fairground trade and have been unexpectedly visited by a group of peregrine falcons all aged under 7 from Bridlington - and on a Wednesday afternoon
• Wet Wet Wet are at number 1 in the charts again with "Love is all Around" (remixed by Cradle of Filth and a guy who lives in a pram from Brighton)
• David Cameron is due to give a presentation of the merits of wearing soft cheeses at the local branch of Timpson's wearing German blackforest hunting gear in a caravan shaped like a shoe

With this in mind, who would be your top 3 choices of armpit/nostril hair to use to build a raft to keep former members of Jethro Tull happy on a crocodile infested crazy golf course?

1) Cheryl Cole - 'cos she's dead fit

2) Audrey Tautou - 'cos she's dead fit

3) Nelson Mandela - 'cos even though he was a murdering terrorist, he still has to be on everyone's list