Headlines and Deadlines #3

Yes, it has been a while since the last edition of Headlines and Deadlines - possibly the least biased editorial since the first basket was woven in 1724 in Kettering at a tea party hosted by a collection of seafarers, bull hurdlers and carpet wearers - but fear not for it is BACK, BABY!!

SMYTHY HITS SPOOKY FORM
In the lowest scoring round of the season, Smythy defied his many critics by scoring a very creditable 19 points!
After many rubbed eyes, including those of Carol Vorderman and Anton Du Beke, Prem Predictor recounted the scoring but maintains that Smythy did in fact score an amazing 19.
Prime Minister's Question Time was overshadowed by this terrible event.
A full on emergency EU Catastrophic Event Taskforce was prevented when they looked at his league position and laughed a little.
A spokesperson from the Smythy camp has come forward to reassure the general public that this high scoring round was a pure fluke, a freak of nature.
The East Leicestershire Association of Useless Magic and Beagle Fanciers On A Tuesday have denied they claim any form of dark art was at play on the part of Smythy.

TOP OF THE TABLE ZANY MANIA!
Yes, since seemingly the dawn of time Ben Goran Elliottsen has been resplendent in pole position.
Before the dawn of time, Martin Daniels App Society had a brief spell with no-one above.
But this isn't before the dawn of time, or even since the dawn of time.
No! This is now - and now means the rise of the Jose!
Not sure I like the image that particular phrase conveys, but it's too late now!
Yes, for the first time this season Jose has been rewarded for some magnificent form and takes the top spot.
Jose attributes his form to the sonic attack of Reo Speedwagon at their finest and inspirational visits to Bar Rogue's in Coventry and Brighton.
It will now be a massive test for Ben Goran to see if he has what it takes to get back to the top of the tree.
Martin Daniels meanwhile has seen his position drop a bit like his father's TV shows.
Although unlike his father, he has managed to claw his way back into the Coveted 4th Position and could even complete a comeback?
Elsewhere in the upper reaches of the table, Blade has seen his scientific methods move into real championship potential.
As long as he can stay out of cardigans, jail or Lithuania he could have hit a winning formula.
The sort of winning formula not reserved for losers like Cuddihy.
Meanwhile, the crowd favourite and winner of the prestigious Sky Arts 2008 Best Model Boat Made From Wensleydale competition - Chuck Norris - has also had a recent dramatic upturn in form.
Whilst staying incredibly modest Chuck Norris has revealed to Prem Predictor how he sees himself mounting a well deserved assault on the top of the table this season. Plus he also commented "That sucker Cuddihy will eat napalm".
Which is nice as well as true.
Four real life cads and bounders make up the remainder of the top half of the table.
Last season's title battler Fallon, the current Prem Predictor Cup winner Nagle, holder of the Coveted 4th Shield Shakhtar Le Dix FC and last season's ultimate loser and holder of the Cuddihy Cup, Cuddihy - queen of many a low rent cocktail party.

CUDDIHY OF THE MONTH
Well there is only one real contender for Cuddihy Of The Month.
No, not a certain person who was fooled into thinking they were speaking to the CEO on the phone recently, eh, Cuddihy!!! Ha ha ha!!
This certain person had £1,300 burning a big hole in their pocket.
What to do with £1,300?
"Oh, I know, let's bet on a SURE thing. Wigan v Chelsea - away win. It's a cert."
But how much to bet? £20? £50? er, no, not £200?!
"No, let's bet £1,300!!!"
Step forward Shaw For Men!!
That's one fixture you wont forget in a hurry!
If it's any consolation, you also scored no points for that fixture too.
But I guess that isn't any consolation at all ... DOH!!

FAMILIAR FACES CRAP - I MEAN - SCRAP AT THE BOTTOM
Engleflump Humpitonk, with a name that is currently almost as synonymous with losing as Cuddihy, props up the bottom of the table. This has been the case since before the dawn of time. Or was it since the dawn of time ... *GUNSHOT*
Only some sort of clue forming in that cavernous head can save him from the disaster of claiming the lowest of the low trophies - the dreaded, odorous, Cuddihy Cup!
Although he has closed the gap on the others around him, thanks to some hilarious predictions elsewhere.
This is of course a lie, but just trying to make him feel better ... NOT!
The other two basement dwellers - who complete the bottom 3 - are none other than Socks Rock and Slowe-Bla-Di-Slowe-Bla-da whos collective predictions have resulted in Counselling Organisations being formed in Algiers and furious demonstrations on the streets of Basingstoke and Rimini.
One old lady dropped an entire cup of tea on the floor of her living room, in Vilnius, in disgust.
Mel Gibson has threatened to remake Mad Max III The Thunderdome, with himself playing Tina Turner's part if their form does not improve.
Only the other day a small squirrel was shot in the head in protest by Phil Collins.
A piece of paper was picked up, thrown away, kicked about, picked up, thrown away again, kicked around, kicked around some more, picked up, thrown away, kicked ab*GUNSHOT*

This edition of Headlines and Deadlines was sponsored by Callum Davenport's left nipple attached to a herring called Colin and The Mannheim Society of Bucket Portraying Irony Lacking Alto Sopranos.

Table Update 26/10/09

Here is the latest of the greatest table ever to be put together in the name of tables that are to do with the results of football matches and is presented in the form of a classic table which has been *GUNSHOT* uuurrrrggghhhhh...

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Jose	190
2	Ben Goran Elliottsen	189
3	Blade	184
4	Martin Daniels App. Society	183
5	Chuck Norris	182
6	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	180
7	The Fallon	178
8	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	176
9	Dale Winton	174
10	Dave Lombardo	170
11	Shaw For Men	170
12	Alistair Robinho	165
13	Disco Stu	165
14	Paul Coleman	164
15	Smythy	162
16	Paddy Power	152
17	Socks Rock	132
18	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	126
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	118

Updated Table 21/10/09

Ok folks! Panic over!
Here is the latest table following the weekend's and Monday's matches:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	183
2	Blade	181
3	Chuck Norris	179
4	Jose	179
5	Martin Daniels App. Society	177
6	The Fallon	172
7	Dale Winton	171
8	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	171
9	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	170
10	Shaw For Men	167
11	Dave Lombardo	161
12	Disco Stu	157
13	Paul Coleman	155
14	Alistair Robinho	154
15	Paddy Power	146
16	Smythy	143
17	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	120
18	Socks Rock	118
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	112

Table Update

Panic over, Ben - you can stop sweating now!

Because here is the current table:

POS.	NAME	SCORE
1	Ben Goran Elliottsen	167
2	Jose	161
3	Martin Daniels App. Society	160
4	Blade	159
5	Chuck Norris	155
6	Dale Winton	154
7	Shakhtar Le Dix FC	152
8	Nagle (08/09 Champ)	151
9	Shaw For Men	148
10	The Fallon	145
11	Alistair Robinho	142
12	Disco Stu	142
13	Paul Coleman	136
14	Paddy Power	134
15	Dave Lombardo	132
16	Smythy	117
17	Slowe-bla-di Slowe-bla-da	103
18	Socks Rock	103
19	Engleflump Humpitonk	90